Gutless!

So the "King" of Punks got his ass kicked in the NBA East finals and instead of being a man and facing the media, he storms off to the team bus like a little bitch!

Couldn't even give props to the Magic for making the finals until today. Explaining himself, he claimed it wasn't about being a poor sport. Fuck you!  

Part of being a great athlete is being able to handle the losses like a MAN. Have a good time in New York, jerk! We hope your knee blows out in your first game.

Cut It Out! You Know We Would Never Not Report This!

Something about a penis getting cut off that never fails to make headlines. Who does this guy think he is, Lorena Bobbitt? This is like fish in a barrel. 

Ouch!

Straight Cash, Homey Pt. 2: 'Scuse Me, While I Choke On Vomit!

Jimi knocked off for insurance money, claims former troll roadie. It's money that matters, chumps. When you gonna learn?

Should have had that gun in his hand, to defend himself.

Straight Cash, Homey Pt. 1: Paranoid?

American Tabloid hopes Ozzy doesn't end up like poor, fat Jay Bennett ... waking up in the morgue, dead as a doornail.

Lawsuits fly in the Sabbath family! We always thought they sold their souls for rock and roll and not concert t-shirts and ringtones.

As Cyndi Lauper once sang, "Money Changes Everything".

End Of The Line!

American Tabloid isn't rejoicing like when Madden and Tony K. were fired earlier this year, but we're not crying in our Old English, either.

Leno steps down tonight after 17 years on the Tonight Show.

We always rooted for Jay - fellow New Englander, we got your back! Sure, we liked Gary Shandling better back in the "perma-substitute" days of the late eighties but we always respected Leno for taking it to Letterman and Ted Koppel, cleaning their clocks nightly in the ratings.

Okay, we haven't watched in years, as that is prime Coast to Coast AM radio time, but we think he should be getting a little more send-off fanfare. He was there for seventeen years!!! We woudn't have even known about tonight's finale if it wasn't for the blogosphere.

Now you get Conan and a sock puppet telling dirty jokes. Stay classy, NBC!

Joe B Prompts Us To Laugh!

How long before the 2nd Banana's plane crashes or he suffers a stoke in his sleep like Jay Bennett?

Joe always shoots straight and tell us the truth, but we here at AT know the Powers That Be have no sense of humor.

How Much More Do You Want?

American Tabloid fans, now you can follow us on twitter! Wow, so now you can read even shorter, more inane posts!

Well, got to go now and take a poop ... hey, I can "tweet" that!

Tweet Tweet.

50K Large Could Get You Snuffed! Don't Mess With Tweedy!

Can anybody see if former-Wilco member Jay Bennett was given the hot shot  - á la Sunny von Bulow - in his sleep by the big boss man Jeff Tweedy?

Rocker mysteriously dies in sleep after filing lawsuit. 

Arrivederci! 

Editor's Note: Double cheeseburgers, dope, Jack Daniel's and donuts are mysterious?-JR

Cecil B. Demented?

American Tabloid favorite, Lars von Trier, has apparently recovered from his bout of depression and deliverd the goods one more time with his new film, Anti-Christ. Happy days are here again!

Those of you who didn't get with his classic Dogville, please immediately leave this blog! 

So many questions. Torture Porn or High Art!!? Willem Defoe - Christ or Deviant?!!! 

The end of cinema as we know it? We'll let you know.

Piss Christ had no comment.

Dog Eat Dog or Doggie Style?

Interesting thoughts on the Patsies signing Public Enemy Numero Uno. American Tabloid imagines a Brady flee-flicker to Vick to Moss!!!! 

Who let the Dawg (Killer) in? We hope Bob Kraft! Woof, woof.

Follow The Money!

American Tabloid does our part for the environment. Some of our commitments to Mother Earth:

• We put the deadly, twisty bulbs in. Headaches and vertigo be damned!!
  

• We don't throw our beer bottles and Wendy's bags out the car window anymore - in the trash bin they go! Just give us a little time with that recycling sorting business.
  

• AT uses reusable sacks at the supermarket. We always felt those plastic bags were a waste. One bag for a box of condoms and a bottle Yoo-Hoo? Carry them out, thank you. Just have to watch out for possible contamination that could lead to death.
  

So all you hysterical-green-the-end-is-coming-if-we-all-don't-ride-the-bus-to-work-types, get off of our backs! 

Earth was here many years before us and will be for many more after the last humanoid shuts out the lights, so take a Quaalude and let's think this through.

AT agrees with the WSJ - money talks, chumps. Green is the new red, white and blue, indeed!

Meeting Of The Minds, Pt.4: Pump It Up Until You Can't Feel It!

Transcription of meeting between President Barack Obama (BO) and Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger (AS). May 19, 2009 - Washington, D.C.

BO: Yo, Rocky!

AS: Huh? I'm the Governator, Mr. President.

BO: Adriaaaaan!

AS: No it's, "I'll be back".

BO: Huh? You just got here.

AS: "Hasta la vista, baby". You know ... Terminator.

Silence for five seconds. Background noise.

BO: Mr. Freeze!

AS: Now, we're cooking!

BO: Carry on, my wayward son.

End of transmission.

Tony K Gone: American Tabloid Rejoices!

AT's arch-enemy of the airwaves has been booted ... er ... stepped down from the MNF booth and we say, "hip-hip-hooray!" 

We had gotten to the point where we lowered the volume on the television and streamed the radio broadcast over the "internets", synching it with the TIVO, thereby saving ourselves from this man's verbal diarrhea.

Tony K - a loudmouth with nothing to say. Good riddance, sir!

Sold Soul For Rock N Roll?

American Tabloid needs to know - was Lennon at the Crossroads when this deal went down and more importantly, can we get in on the action?

Brains of the Beatles in secret pact with the Devil.

So was Yoko Ono the double-cross that The Lord of Darkness always throws in on these scams?

Yeah ... I'm Still Alive .....

Pearl Jam guitar player mugged in the City Too Busy To Hate. Gimme the money! Runaway!!! Ahhhhhhhhh!

Didn't know these guys still making music. Didn't the lead singer die? Oh that was Soundgarden, right?

Where's my Singles soundtrack? Take me back to 1993, please. 

Snake vs. Snake.

File this under: Ouch, a snake bit my pecker!

American Tabloid reminds you to always check the bowl before sitting to take a squat! Drop the Deuce, indeed!

The Future?

American Tabloid was shocked Saturday night at the grocery store as we shopped for our new diet of Ramen Noodles. Hey, times are tight!

We observed about fifteen people waiting in line to rent a $1 DVD from those vending machines by the front entrance!

Red Box is where it's at.

We skipped "Bride Wars" and "The Hills Have Eyes 2" and went right to the panty machine.

Star Poop! Bring Out The Gorn!

JJ Abrams keeps telling everyone who'll listen "he's wasn't a fan" of Star Trek before he made this movie - no shit!!! 

Okay, AT liked the new Spock and Bones and the movie overall is pretty good but this Captain Kirk -  played liked a ninny - was an insult! 

How many times do we have to see this guy get his ass kicked and run away like a coward? Sulu has more balls in this romp!

Ebert's electronic trachea has it right .... "arghhhhhhhhhhh ... ack!"

Editor's Note: Glad to see the Beastie Boys live on three hundred years into the future. Ridiculous!-JR

NERD UTOPIA?

American Tabloid grocks Spock!

See you at the theater, in costume - minus phasers, of course. Review to follow.

Editor's Note: That chick on the left is throwing the Vulcan sign backwards! What a dork.-JR

Gump's A Chump!

Come on, Forrest, put a little manhood in that noodle! 

Hanks disgraces America in the Land of the Rising Sun. American Tabloid urges Tommy Boy to do the honorable and right thing.

Sayonara!!

All Hail Dom DeLuise!

American Tabloid favorite has run his last Cannonball. He's dead. 

AT once named him General Manager of our fantasy football squad and under his questionable leadership, he righted the ship and made the playoffs - where the team quickly exited.

Martin & Lewis. Hope & Crosby. Abbott & Costello. 

Reynolds & DeLuise.

Cracked Actor?

Ex- Dallas diva, Victoria Principal, takes matters into her own hands as her housekeeper tries goldbricking with the family dog.

American Tabloid asks, "Vicky, can you come and patrol the streets of Mar Vista?" 

Editor's Note: Nice boobies!-JR

Welcome To The Neighborhood, Screwhead!

One day a real rain is going to come to our 'hood! 

American Tabloid says, "Get Some!" as we are tired of the filthy animals trying to steal from the hard working people here in Mar Vista.

Thug gets plugged down the street from headquarters.

Bravo!

American Tabloid: We Demand Truth!!!

Yet another "trick of the light?" Bullshit!

AT wants answers! We gots to know.

Skull found, yet more proof of life on Mars. 

Government denies once again. Like the time they found the temple.