Diga que no está así pues, Papi!

American Tabloid used to rail against steroids in baseball until we got tired of arguing with everybody over Bonds, McGwire and Sosa. Then we discovered more important things in life - like the XBOX 360!

Looks like Big Papi was on that notorious 2003 baseball blacklist and we'll be forced to change positions.

AT's new official line: Let's look forward, not back.

Good news: Coach Belichick doesn't think this tarnished those two championships.

Editor's Note: Hey, did you hear that Erin Andrew's 911 call?-JR

Crazy Horse! Give Me Some Sugar! 5-2 Odds You'll Make Yourself Sick With This Post!

Okay, we don't make the stories up, we just report them. The good, bad and ugly.

We're going ugly today ... really ugly, as the dog days are upon us.

AT says, take this horse in the fifth race. Down the stretch they go!!!!

Close Encounters Of The Commie Kind!

Damn Reds were seeing Green Men in the Deep Blue Sea! Batten down the hatches, full steam ahead!

Should have sent Captain Ramius and the Red October to kill those alien bastards!

Goodbye Norma Jean

American Tabloid is bummed to learn of the death of the Taco Bell dog.

I think we'll eat away the blues tonight with six bean burritos ...... and a crunchy taco. Or maybe just some group sex in the Taco Bell bathroom.

Gidget es muerto.

Girl Of My Dreams!

We here at American Tabloid hope we can hold on and not die before the perfect bride is available for purchase!

Imagine: She's crushing you with the typical "bla, bla, bla", you reach for the remote control and voila! Now, what's on Sports Center?

Can she cook? Where do we put a deposit down?

American Tabloid: Spreading The Erin Andrews Fun!

Erin Andrews nude?

Confirmation is needed. ESPN believes it is and orders, "Take it down!!! Take it down!!!"

Boobies!

Editor's Note: The Powers That Be have removed the original link to the video, however there is a NEW link that works as of Saturday AM. After jump, click "the short version".

We will attempt to pass along working links as we find them!-JR

Down The Drain.

Former tough-guy hockey goon arrested for shoplifting a bathing suit. Rock bottom, indeed.

We at American Tabloid prefer to remember the former Bruin / Canadian in his glory days.

Knuckle sandwich, anyone?

Little Green Men On The Moon: Collector's Conspiracy Edition!

40 years later, NASA finally cleans up the evidence that shows we went to a soundstage somewhere in Area 51! Original tapes were apparently "erased".

Stretch Armstrong wants nothing to do with the fun, declines to participate. What's new?

Alan Bean just wants you to see his finger paints from the rest home.

Mooooon River!

Luis Tiant He Ain't! Is The Fix In?

Does the vast right-wing conspiracy continue? Or is it the left-wing media bias? MLB? Fox Sports?

American Tabloid's frame by frame analysis of BHO's first pitch in tonight's All Star game has finished. Result?

After later replays from the center field camera were cleared and released, we came to the determination that he just ekes it out, with a very generous position (straddling home plate) and scoop from Albert Pujlos.

The motion is ... well .... female-like. Maybe he should just take the half-court shot at half-time of the NBA All Star game for the new car instead.

Forget the Jackie Gleason stutter-step before the pitch, we want to know if Fox Sports was instructed to pan away incase Dear Leader bounced one? Sure looks like it, based on the camera angle. Move up to :40 for the fun.

Editor's Note: Props to Barry for sticking it to the St. Louis hillbillies by wearing the White Sox colors!-JR

Meeting Of The Minds, Pt.5: 'Cos I Said So!

Transcription of meeting between Dustin Pedroia (DP), Boston Red Sox second baseman, and Bill Cosby (BC), comedian. July 12, 2009 - Boston, Massachusetts

BC: The bat goes .... booom! Bammmm! Bonk!

DP: Heeheeeeheee .... uh .... heeheehee ...

BC: Man, it's like a Jello puddin' pop! Whump!

DP: Heehee ... ha ha .... heehee ... uh ....

BC: Like a popsicle stick! QUWAAAACK! Look out!

DP: Heeheee .... uh .... haahhahahahah!

BC: Hey, hey hey!!! It's .... Bat Albert!

DP: Huh?

End of transmission.

American Tabloid: Wash Your Mouth Out With Soap!

Scientists determine that swearing eases pain. We here at AT are often spotted shambling down the street mumbling to ourselves, but it doesn't seem to work??!?!? What the fuck?!?!

Editor's Note: Fuck you, cocksuckers! Hey, I feel better already!-JR

Holy Zeus! Hope I Die Before I Get Old!

Maybe that Led Zeppelin reunion isn't such a good idea as the Golden God is just about ready to be embalmed.

"Hail! Hail! Rock & Roll"

Editor's Note: Is that Robert Plant or Alec Guinness?-JR

What's In The Box?!?!!

David Arquette, apparently, but only during office hours. Wow, what a sacrifice!

American Tabloid gives props to DA for raising money for the hungry, but how about some real hardship? Maybe light the box on fire or dunk it in the East River?

He's no David Blaine that's for sure.

Baby Got Back!

It's all good.

Brass Balls!

While the editor's of American Tabloid don't always agree with Alec Baldwin politically, we would fully endorse him running for higher office.

AT will donate to his campaign IF he assumes the persona of his characters from either The Departed or Glenngarry, Glen Ross.

Hey, if tough love is good enough for his kid, it's good enough for America.

Editor's Note: What do Mitch and Murray think?-JR

One Year Wasted?

American Tabloid celebrates one full year of contributing to the downfall of American civilization!

After much internal debate, we here at AT have decided that we will solider on, reporting on the things that matter to you in life - fantasy football, NWO conspiracy theories, sexual deviance and "man bites dog" stories.

Our promise to you over the next year - we will lower your IQ score by 5-7 points - guaranteed!

Think of it this way, AT is like nacho cheese flavored laxative for your mind's arteries. Open up and say ahhhhhhhhhhhh!

Fantasy Update: Hold Off On Drafting McNair!

Ex-American Tabloid fantasy player, Steve McNair, found dead of lead poisoning. We had him about ten years ago in his prime and he always did the squad right.

R.I.P.

Would Ask For More Cowbell, But It's Cliché.

Rock & Roll. American style.

Happy Fourth! What's The Under/Over On Puking?

What's more American than American Tabloid? Not Much!

Okay, maybe the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest, held every Fourth of July, but only if there's gambling involved!

Latest odds posted here. Gotta love the action.

AT fully endorses gorging oneself until sickness. We'll be right in front of the idiot box cheering for the two titans of the event, Joey Chestnut and Kobayashi, stuffing ourselves with hot dogs! Talk about life imitating art.

Now that's American, baby.

Update: Chestnut wins again! Three in a row. Wow!

American Tabloid: The Last Michael Jackson Report.

Enough already, you degenerate voyeurs!

American Tabloid is trying to mourn the loss of MJ and not wallow in the rumors of cross dressing homosexual affairs.

Rat infested motels? Jacko, you could have met your Casanova at AT headquarters. We have (semi) clean sheets and while the rodent problem was eradicated, you would have to only endure the occasional arachnoid attack!

Johnny Depp is already preparing for the film with Tim Burton.